1, 2, 3 and done.

Eloise18: I don't think I could. I'm not planning on living on campus, but not even that, I just feel unable to talk to anyone about this. 

~ ~ ~ ~

Today, well yesterday, has been a fail. A complete failure. I did zero amount of revision. I actually want to cry, but not enough to let myself. Zero. Okay. Deep breath. Today is the 18th of June. 19th is my sociology exam, 20th is my english exam and 21st is my health and social care exam.

Sociology: PM. social inequality + research methods, will revise today, while on the exercise bike.

English: AM. Tess, which I need to complete reading. Blake poetry, my anthology is at college, so I'll have to collect that tomorrow. Pastoral poetry; Wahida has my anthology, and I am screwed. I am fucked. I am done. I'm going to fail. It's a closed book exam, and I just want to scratch myself until I can no longer feel.

HSC: PM. Will stay back, tomorrow? and revise with ms LJ, who is also my sociology mentor, who is also the person I have been avoiding. And she'll be angry. Except she won't, because she is lovely. But I feel so guilty. All of the time. I don't want to feel. Fuck. Fuck. I'm going to fail.

And I feel so fat.

I feel so exposed.

I feel so heavy.

I am not eating again until...sunday.

It is now 3.05 am, I will go to sleep in a little while.

Will not sleep tonight, sit sociology exam.

Will spend all of tuesday evening revising for english, and sleep. Wake up, sit english exam.

Will not sleep on wednesday, sit hsc exam.

I want to cry.

Time has gone by so fast. Too fast. And I can't handle this.

I don't feel I'll be able to go to university this year. I really, really, really do not want to have to retake the year.

I feel disgusting. People don't understand. Everyone thinks it's alright.

I am disgusting. I feel disgusting.

I want to be invisible for a while. Just for a little while, until I can sort this out. Please.

I have so many books I'd like to read.

It's my birthday in exactly 2 months.

I didn't want to be around for it.

I didn't want to be around for this.

I didn't want to fucking make it to 2012.

I don't know if I mentioned it on here? One of my friends recently killed himself. He jumped into the river Thames, or something. The week before his 18th birthday. I wasn't extremely close to him, and I knew he was depressed. I don't know. I don't know.

I'm fine.

Just need exams to be over, that is all.

Hope everyone's week goes okay, at the very least.